do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
