fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
