After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
