Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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