We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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