You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize