Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
