Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
