I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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