how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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