i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
