So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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