i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
