I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
