i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
