k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
