Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize