Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
