Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
