a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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