i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
