My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
should my penis look like a turkey
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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