My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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