I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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