Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
So gin and wine won't be happening again
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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