im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
