Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
