sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize