I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
