hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
