i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
