I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
