1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I am never drinking with the goths again.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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