I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
