I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
