did you get engaged???
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize
