Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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