stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
