he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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