I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
