i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Randomize