Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
