it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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