by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
