I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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