I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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