I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
