listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
