This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
