I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
