Im at strip club and am horny
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
