This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
