I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
