So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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