the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
