I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
