My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
