I am spending my child support on dildos
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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