Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
