I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
